It’s often uncomfortable when people are honest about how they’re feeling. We routinely ask out of concern or formality, “How are you?” Yet, we sometimes don’t know how to react when we receive a genuine rather than typical response. Do our feelings of discomfort have anything to do with our emotional intelligence? Or are we simply unprepared to handle honest responses when discussing feelings?
Recently, I was participating in a group meditation circle. When it came time for everyone to go around the group and check-in, one of the mediation circle members said she was not doing well. She was stressed, frustrated, and had a hard time getting out of bed that morning. An awkward silence settled over the group, and the discussion slowed. No one wanted to speak up. I am guessing it was because the rest of us were unsure of what to say.
“How are you?” is a simple question for which we expect to receive a simple, generic answer. When someone gives us a “real” answer, such as the meditation group member’s answer, we’re unsure how to respond.
Pinpointing your emotions is difficult. Sometimes it’s easier to wish your feelings away rather than face them. But the key to unlocking your emotional intelligence lies in recognizing not only your own emotions but the emotions of those around you.
What are Emotions?
A scientific definition of emotion is a feeling or affect that can involve physiological arousal, conscious experience, and behavioral expression. Yet even scientists cannot agree on an exact definition of the word emotion. What scientists do agree with is that there are six basic universal emotions. Can you recognize these emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, surprise, fear, and disgust ( they are in no particular order, what would be the fun in that?).
A recent discovery is that there are over 20 emotions, including awe and appall. Suppose you think about emotions as multidimensional constructs consisting of valence, whether a feeling is positive or negative, and arousal, the physiological reactions associated with the feeling. You then open up a plethora of ways to help explain what emotion is.
Emotions are our universal language. The six basic expressions are recognized cross-culturally without having to be taught. Emotions don’t last as long as moods, but they affect our moods and are much more powerful. When your emotions speak, you better listen. Often they are sending you a signal of some sort to run from danger (OMG, a bear!) or run toward it (Aaahhhh, my sweetheart!).
Emotional Intelligence
Are you good at pinpointing your emotions? The Mood Meter App is an app created by founding director and psychologist Marc Brackett and his team at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. The app is designed to help users identify their current feelings, mood, and the reasons they are experiencing the mood, how much energy they are expending on their emotional experience, and the valence of the emotion or mood. Being able to recognize your feelings is the first step toward you becoming skilled in emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence (EI) is a component of social intelligence. Emotional intelligence is critical to your success in life and love.
Benefits of Emotional Intelligence
If you are high in emotional intelligence, not only are you skilled at managing your own as well as others’ feelings, you are also more likely to:
• Have higher quality friendships and romantic relationships.
• Avoid being overcome by depressive moods, anxiety, or anger.
• Know how to manage conflict
• Know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it.
People who are low in EI may have excellent reasoning abilities (think Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory). Yet, they might experience repeated failures because they cannot effectively tend to their own emotions, interpret others’ emotional responses, and respond appropriately to others’ feelings.
Don’t get discouraged if you feel you have a deficit in emotional intelligence or what is referred to as low EI IQ. There is evidence showing that you can become more adept at sharpening your EI skills even if you don’t necessarily improve your EI IQ. Honing your EI skills will give you an advantage in navigating social relationships and your love life!
Managing Your Emotions
Managing your emotions doesn’t mean that you have to be happy all the time. In fact, it’s quite rare and possibly unhealthy for a person to be happy ALL THE TIME or at least SAY they’re happy all the time….. Research shows that negative emotions also serve a purpose and help you recognize when you need extra care or notice when something is not right. In other words, it’s okay not to be okay.
There is evidence that when you experience negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and fear, you are more likely to help others, attempting to get rid of the bad feelings. Researchers found that people who were made to think about their own death by being interviewed in front of a funeral home were more likely to be generous towards others.
Can You See What I’m Feeling?
We know from research that emotions are very complex, and even scientists have a hard time agreeing on a definition of the word emotion.
But we also know that improving your emotional intelligence begins with knowing yourself, interpreting your emotions, identifying your feelings, expressing your feelings, and managing your emotions.
How good are you at recognizing emotions? In addition to trying out the Mood Meter App, you can test your emotional intelligence by visiting greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/ei_quiz.
Click on the link and give it a try!
Please share your results and let me know what you think! I’ve shared mine below!
Test Your Emotional Intelligence
How well do you read other people?
Your Score: 20/20
Congratulations–a perfect score! You’ve got a truly exceptional ability to read other people and understand what they’re feeling. It’s a great skill to have in a friend (and a poker player). If you want to deepen your ability to form compassionate connections with others, keep an eye out for our forthcoming empathy training tool, designed to boost your emotional intelligence even higher.
