February 11th, 2021, is National Make a Friend Day. What better way to celebrate than to talk about the type of friend you do not want to make – a toxic friend!

In the words of Aristotle, “Man is a social animal. He who lives without society is either a beast or a God.” These words indicate that we are social beings by nature, and if we are not, our behavior is strange to others. We are pack animals.  We need friends to thrive and survive. Our ideal friends will share in our successes and encourage us when we’re down. The best friendships are life-sustaining.

Unfortunately, the worst friendships can have the opposite effect. These types of relationships are harmful to our health and can decrease our longevity. The key is recognizing when you are in a toxic relationship that is detrimental to your health and well-being.

Here are 10 signs that you are in a toxic friendship

1. Your friend is always putting you down and makes you feel insecure.  You go to your friend with good news, and rather than congratulating you, she (he) has something negative to say. Your friend never has a kind word for you. Granted, you might have that friend who is a “cutter” and will keep it one hundred. That’s great because we all need those, but your cutter will always be truthful with love and grace and without malicious intent.

2. Your friend is jealous of you. Friendly competition is okay and even welcomed as it can propel us to be a better version of ourselves. But a friend who is aggressively competitive to the point where they become hurtful is a type of friend you don’t need.

3. All they want to talk about is themselves. Suppose you find yourself talking about their wants and needs all the time and never about your own. That friendship has the potential to be toxic. A friendship is about give and take. If your friend always wants to take and never give, they aren’t a good friend. Of course, there will be times when she (he) is going through something, and they will depend on your support, but they should be willing to offer the same type of support for you.

4. You dread answering or returning their calls and messages. Conversations with your friend should be a source of joy and fun, laughter, and sometimes pain (supportive pain). You should not experience a sense of dread anticipating talking to your friend for fear of unwanted gossip or negativity.

5. Insincere apologies. You feel comfortable enough to talk to your friend about your concerns, and they brush you off with an insincere or backhanded apology. A true friend will take your feelings and your perspective into consideration. They will be reflective and think about their behavior.

6. Your relationship is mentally draining. Rather than feeling replenished and refreshed after an interaction with your friend, you feel mentally exhausted, worn out, and stressed. This could be because the extra baggage they brought to the encounter was too much for you to handle.  

7. They never apologize. The flip side of an insincere apology is to have a friend who never apologizes. They never apologize because they don’t feel they have done anything wrong. If your friend cannot admit when they are wrong, that is the mark of a toxic friend.

8. A toxic friend is not dependable. They will make plans to get together, and you won’t hear from them.  They won’t even extend the courtesy of calling to cancel, or they will cancel at the last minute.

9. Your attempts at communication and making plans are always one-sided. You do all the initiating of get-togethers. You consistently call and reach out to your friend, but you hardly ever hear from them. Relationships can become toxic when the other person is not as invested as you are. There can also be the other extreme where a person is overly obsessed with you and wants to monopolize your time.

10. You are not sure which friend will show up today. You met a great friend. You had this incredible bond, but now you have to be very careful about the things you say or do because you never know what might set her (him) off. You never know if the day is going to be good or bad. When it’s good, it’s great, but when it’s bad, it’s terrible, and you aren’t sure what might happen next. Her (his) inconsistency is very unsettling and stressful for you.

There are many signs to look for in a toxic relationship. These are some of the more common symptoms.  These same markers can apply to a romantic relationship as well. Keep in mind that your health, well-being, and self-worth are what’s most important. Healthy friendships are great mood enhancers and immunity boosters, but toxic friendships will make you sick. Conflict is normal and even beneficial to a certain degree, but being in a constant state of conflict and uncertainty is detrimental to your well-being. Friendships should add years to your life, not take away from it!

What do you think about toxic friendships?

What are your thoughts about toxic friendships? Have you experienced any toxic relationships, and how did you handle the dissolution of the relationship? Did you dissolve the relationship, or did you handle it another way?